i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
