So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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