I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
