So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
