omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
