Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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