Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
