just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
