There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
