I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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