You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
