I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
