But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize