Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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