On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
