Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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