I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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