Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
