Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
