Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
