haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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