I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Found your dick twin last night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
