I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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