Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
