I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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