Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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