Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
