She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize