I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
