How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
be right there i have to get my cape
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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