fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
