Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
