I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
