there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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