We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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