I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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