I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
