no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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