I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
