FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
