I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
