i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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