btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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