yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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