please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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