I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
