Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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