allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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