i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize
