i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
