ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
