i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
