my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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