Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
