I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize