you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize