you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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