Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
