How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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