if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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