College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
