The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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