You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
