I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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