If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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