I cut my penus on the lid.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
